Can We Divorce (Matthew 19:1-12)
I heard a divorce attorney say that a divorce takes place once every 13 seconds in America. There are over 2.5 million divorces every year. Many people don't see the problem. Divorce is what they know because their parents were divorced. It's just a part of life, but it's not supposed to be! There is probably not one person over the age of twenty in this room who is completely unaffected by divorce. Let's see what Jesus has to say about divorce.
Matthew 19:1--6 (ESV) --- 1 Now when Jesus had finished these sayings, he went away from Galilee and entered the region of Judea beyond the Jordan. 2 And large crowds followed him, and he healed them there. 3 And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” 4 He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
Jesus has been teaching to deal with a sinful brother and learn to forgive people who have sinned against you. But now, he moves from Galilee to the region on the east side of Judah. Once he gets there, a Pharisee approaches him to ask him a controversial question. He says, "Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?" The Pharisees have been absent since Chapter 16, but they don't like Jesus. They have been seeking to destroy his reputation by saying that he works for Satan. They ask a controversial question that will probably lead some of his followers to abandon him if he answers it the wrong way. In Chapter 14, we learn that John the Baptist was beheaded for his teaching on this subject. The Pharisees would love for that to happen.
This is also a controversial topic in our society. If we were to bring up different beliefs on this, there is no doubt that some would be very stubborn and quickly grow frustrated instead of wanting to listen. Our mission is to understand God's will in the matter. I did not study this hoping to add a burden on anyone, nor did I study it to release a burden from anyone. It's not my job to raise the standard higher than Jesus, nor is it my job to lower the standard below Jesus' standard. He reveals the truth on divorce, and I do not seek to twist it. I hope and pray that no one here seeks to twist it either. But I have met plenty of people seeking to twist it. There are as many views on this passage as there are drops in the ocean. What does it say?
Jesus Responds
In verse 4, Jesus responds with a classic opening, "Have you not read?" This is hilarious because the Pharisees have spent countless hours on this topic. They have poured over the scriptures to find what God says and understand what God wants. But their conclusions are based more so off of the rabbinical teaching rather than scripture. The rabbis have debated this subject for years, and most have determined that divorce is permissible for any cause.
The verse that Jesus points to answers the question ultimately. He refers to Genesis 2:18-25. First, he says that God created them male and female. Notice that God did not create them males and females. There was one man and one woman. The divine intention was for the one man, Adam, to live his life with the one woman, Eve. There were no additional options. God did not make a provision for polygamy or divorce. Can you imagine what life would be like if they would have divorced? Mankind would be a blip on the radar.
Then, he says, "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." Jesus interprets what all this means by using the text to interpret itself. He says, "So they are no longer two, but one flesh." We start as individuals, but marriage makes us into one person. Can you separate a person from him or herself without killing them? It's not possible. The two have been glued together, and they are supposed to pursue each other as though they are one person. You cannot divide one person. I don't hate the left side of my body. I bring it with me through life because it is a valuable part of who I am. I don't think of ways to cut off the left side of my body. It's not an option! This is what he is trying to say about our spouse. We are each other's possession.
The answer to the question is summed up at the end, "What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate." The answer is, "No, you cannot divorce your spouse for any cause because God has joined you two together."
Also, notice that this relationship is supposed to be a top priority. "A man will leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife." God did not create a parent and a child. He created a man and a woman because that relationship has priority. If you are married, that relationship must be the most important horizontal relationship in your life. Your success, joy, and fulfillment depend on that relationship more than any other. The spouse can't give you complete joy and fulfillment, but God created it to provide some level of fulfillment. Isn't it interesting that God said everything was good except man being alone? God knew that man needed a companion. So he created Eve from Adam's rib. They were one flesh, one person, living in different bodies. The Godhead enjoys union with each other, and they wanted us to experience a relationship as close as possible. The marriage relationship helps us understand the relationship God wants to have with us. In John 17, Jesus says he wants his disciples to abide in him, and he wants to abide in them. Jesus wants to be one flesh with his disciples. The marriage relationship teaches us and trains us to understand the close intimacy that God wants to have with us.
Pharisees Respond
Matthew 19:7 (ESV) --- 7 They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?”
But the Pharisees are confused. It seems that Moses commands them to give a certificate of divorce and send away a spouse. Is that in the Old Testament? Notice that they don't quote a verse. This is typical for people trying to justify something they believe is not scriptural. The most likely reference here is Deuteronomy 24. If we were to turn there, we would see that Deuteronomy 24 does not command divorce. The KJV mistranslates it in a way that seems to indicate a command, but the actual command in Hebrew comes at the end, and it has to do with remarriage. Moses says, "If a man divorces his wife because he finds some uncleanness in her, and if he gives her a certificate of divorce, and she marries someone else, and they die, she must not remarry the original husband." These conditions relate to his later command not to remarry the woman he has divorced once she marries someone else. God is not advocating or commending divorce any more than he would advocate or commend rape, as he discusses it in the last Chapter. Talking about handling a particular situation does not mean that we are okay with the situation happening. God never gives the impression that he wants a divorce. Divorce is an unfortunate reality throughout the Old Testament, but it is not God's will.
God makes it clear in Malachi 2:13-16 that he hates divorce. He wants faithfulness. He also shows us an extreme level of faithfulness and commitment in his relationship with Israel. In Hosea, we see that example of God's endless love. Hosea marries Gomer and has three children through her. Two children are named "No mercy" and "Not mine" because they are not Hosea's children. Gomer is an unfaithful woman who ends up prostituting herself out to get more money, gold, and jewelry. Can you imagine having a wife like this? How long would it take for us to kick this woman to the curb? Eventually, she is used and abused to the point where no one wants her, but God tells Hosea to repurchase her and love her as he loved her at first. One of the most shocking statements in the book is found in 2:14.
Hosea 2:14--15 (ESV) --- 14 “Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. 15 And there I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth, as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.
After all the pain and suffering that Israel put God through, he remained committed and wanted to restore the relationship. How do we get the impression that God wants his people to divorce at the drop of a hat? God expects faithfulness to vows. He expects us to love and forgive like he has loved and forgiven us. There should be a strong desire to avoid divorce at all costs because we made a vow to love, honor, and cherish that person for the rest of our lives. They are one with us. If they struggle, we struggle. If they hurt, we hurt.
Jesus Responds Again
Matthew 19:8--9 (ESV) --- 8 He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”
Jesus tells us that Moses allowed divorce because they were hard-hearted. Do we remember how hard-hearted the Israelites were in the wilderness? They were stubborn and rebellious all the time. Jesus says Moses allowed divorce, but from the beginning, it was not so. In other words, God did not create divorce, men did, and Moses allowed it. God never changed. God was mostly silent on the subject throughout the law because you couldn't handle the truth yet.
Now, Jesus is giving them and us God's perspective. "Whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another commits adultery." Now we see God's perspective. It's not that there was one law in the Old Testament and a different law given by Jesus. Jesus says that there is one exception. One case where a husband is allowed to divorce his wife or a wife can divorce her husband, sexual immorality. Divorce for any other reason will result in adultery. If we open this up to all the passages on this topic, we will find that adultery is everywhere when men divorce for any reason. The one who divorces commits adultery. The one divorced commits adultery (Matt 5:31-32). Those who marry them are committing adultery. God does not condone divorce. He hates it.
The Disciples Chime In
After Jesus reveals God's will on the matter, the disciples understand the implications. No divorce, except for sexual immorality. To this, they respond with a negative outlook.
Matthew 19:10 (ESV) --- 10 The disciples said to him, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.”
Do we see what God wants in this text? The disciples saw this, and they are startled by it. They say, "If such is the case, it's better not to marry." What an outlook! I wonder how many of them are married. I know Peter was. You see, they were raised where divorce is accepted. If they have married, it was probably under the impression that they could get out of the marriage if they wanted to. They were taught that they could divorce if they wanted to, but now Jesus says, "No divorce." So they decide it's better not to marry. They say, "If you get into this and can't get out of it, it would be better not to marry to begin with." It's not worth it.
Many say, "We can divorce so long as we don't remarry." That's not what Jesus says here. Notice that the disciples don't think that's what Jesus says. They see that Jesus is commanding faithfulness to your spouse and faithfulness to your vows. God joins two people together for life. He says, "Let not man separate." We are joined together to pursue each other. The disciples think it's too risky.
Jesus Responds
Matthew 19:11--12 (ESV) --- 11 But he said to them, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. 12 For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.”
Jesus responds to their negative feelings by saying that not everyone can receive it. What does he mean? Verses 11 and 12 say that men will remain single for many reasons. He says that it is not wrong for people to remain single. In some cases, it is commendable to be single. But many cannot accept the single life. Someone might think, if I had remained single, I could accomplish more for the Lord. Being married and having children is weighing me down. That may be the case for some people, but I know that I would never have made it. I wouldn't be effective at all without my wife and children. God teaches me so much through them! That was not the case for Paul. Paul says that it is better to remain single if you do so for the kingdom's sake.
But those who choose to enter into marriage must enter it with the right perspective. That's what the disciples' words point to. So many people enter into marriage with the wrong perspective. They see marriage as a way of telling people more strongly, "I love you." That's not what marriage is. Marriage is not telling someone, "I love you!" Jesus tells us that marriage is a promise of a complete life-long commitment. God joins the man and woman together to hold fast to one another and meet each other's emotional, physical, and spiritual needs.
Doesn't that shift our selection process? It's not about finding the most beautiful woman or finding the most romantic man. Marriage is about finding a life-long friendship that improves your life and committing yourself to be a life-long friend and improving your spouse's life.
What's The Message?
The message of this text is that divorce is not a viable option for someone who loves God, with only one exception. If your spouse sins against you with sexual immorality, you confront them for their sin, and if they repent, you forgive them. We should not desire to divorce them, but we have the option to divorce in that case alone. If they refuse to repent, divorce might be the best option as we try to separate ourselves from the stubborn rebel's evil influence. Let them be like a Gentile or a tax collector.
But we do not divorce. God set this relationship up to be for life. If we divorce for any other reason, we are sinning against God by breaking our covenant.
Application
Can I please go back to lessons on the promises of God? I found so much joy in speaking about joy. But this topic brings us all so much sadness because we live in a world that rebels against these teachings. We know people who have suffered through a divorce. Wives, husbands, children, and relatives suffer through the strife and pain of broken homes. Divorce is a leading cause of fatherless homes in our society, along with premarital sex. Often, fatherless homes produce self-destructive lives. Fathers are critical to a child's development. Our homes are broken, and our families suffer. It's the biggest plague destroying us from the inside, but no one talks about it.
What is the solution? Jesus gives us the right perspective we need to have on marriage. It is a uniting of man and woman for life. We chose to be each other's best friends and to meet each other's needs. It doesn't matter how broken your relationship with your spouse is. With God's help, you can restore it. So many times, people think that those feelings of love are temporary. You get married, and it's just a bunch of work. Marriage is indeed a bunch of work, but the feelings of love can live on.
To The Married
Marriage is about learning to live for someone else. People want to get out of the vows they make because they care about themselves. They want to justify breaking their vows. Sometimes, they want to marry someone else. The truth is that we are selfish. But it's probably not just us. Our spouse is probably selfish also. We don't like being married to selfish and sinful people. We would rather start over than reconcile and restore the relationship. But we must desire God and holiness so much that we would devote our lives to meeting our spouse's needs. We must love our neighbor as we love ourselves. Our spouse is our closest neighbor. If we love God, we will devote ourselves to the cause of loving our spouse with humility and selfless love.
We need to hold fast to our wife/husband. We need to love them as our own bodies. He/she should be tenderly loved and treated better than our neighbors.
To The Single
For those who have not yet married, please see that your single life can be pleasing and acceptable. No one should look down on a single person for being single. Jesus and Paul were both living single lives that were pleasing to God. Paul even said that it is better not to marry because you can devote more time and resources to the Lord. Jesus has a message for all of those who are single and desiring marriage. Marriage is not about finding someone that is beautiful. It's about finding a life-long friend who is just as committed to you as you are to them. If you love God, your first priority should be finding someone who loves God as well. Then, it's about learning to meet one another's needs for life and growing together. Marriage is very good, but it needs to be understood and respected. God has given us this relationship to meet our needs and fill us with joy and satisfaction as a taste of what he will eventually provide more fully.
To The Divorced
For those who have been divorced, I'm so sorry for your loss. You have lost a part of yourself. I hope and pray that God will heal those wounds and lift you up to glorify his name. Maybe you will live your life from this point single. I have known plenty of Christians who made this choice. They would love to marry, but they see that their divorce was not for the right reason. They have repented, and now they want to live for the Lord. Their faith is encouraging and uplifting for us all. Maybe you divorced for sexual immorality and are free to remarry, but you want to devote your life to the Lord. You can be so effective in the kingdom.
If you have divorced your spouse for sexual immorality and desire to remarry, you are free to do so. But this is a sticky business. Be sure that the person you commit yourself to is not bound to another man or another woman. I have known so many people who have married a man or woman who was divorced for the wrong reason. If you need someone to talk to about that, my door is always open, and other spiritual leaders here would be happy to help.
Conclusion
In closing, please don't do like the Pharisees and the rest of our society today. Do not pursue and justify a false position. I have known so many Christians who have done this to their shame. I pray for God's mercy, but I am greatly concerned that they are sinning willfully against God and worthy of condemnation. Our heart's desire must first and foremost be to do the will of God. As Jesus said, "Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all of these things will be added to you." Living without a spouse would be difficult, but living without God is impossible. You might make it a few years on this earth, but there is no hope after this.