Submission In The Family (Ephesians 6:1-4)
Parents are faced with an enormous challenge as a result. They are fighting to overcome the influence of the world like never before. The world tells our children to do what feels right, make their own decisions, rebel against their parents, and take what they want. We, as parents, are told never to hit our children. They need more self-esteem. If your child isn't acting right after you explain what you want from them, something is wrong with them, and you should give them medication. I have seen social media being used to guilt parents who are disciplining their children. In one case, someone recorded a mom after she brought her children out to the car to punish them. That recording was shared on Facebook by many people. The world makes parenting today complicated, but God's word is clear and straightforward.
God's Desire For Children
Ephesians 6:1--3 (ESV) --- 1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 "Honor your father and mother" (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 "that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land."
First, we see the majority of our text is pointing towards children. Paul tells the children to "obey their parents in the Lord, for this is right." In the second half of this letter, Paul has been explaining to the Ephesians how they can live worthy of the calling they have received from God. But this is a word to children. Children have the same hope as adults. They have the same blessings promised to them. But they have one command, to obey and honor their parents.
God wants children to be obedient to their parents. He is not okay with them sewing their wild roots. He wants them to listen to and obey their parents. Without that obedience, they are failing in their sole responsibility. To obey is not just about what they do. Parents are told to obey God, and it's not just about doing all the right things. To obey means having a heart and a mind that wants to submit to their father and mother's will, even when it is hard to do. That's why he adds in the word "Honor." To honor means to value highly. Children often value a specific toy or the opinions of their peers. But God wants them to value the desires of their parents. He wants them to pursue making mom and dad happy fervently.
As a child, the world will tell you that your parents are wrong if they follow the Bible. The world will tell you to follow what is popular and what gives you joy. They claim that will lead you toward the best possible life, but God says that he is the one who will give you the best possible life. That's why Paul says, "This is the first commandment with a promise that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land." Paul is telling children that obeying and honoring parents will result in the best possible life. I'll tell you that is so true! I had many opportunities to disobey and do the opposite of what my parents wanted me to do, but I chose to obey, and I absolutely love my life. Now, bad things have happened to me, and bad things may happen to you. But we give ourselves the best possible chance at a good life when we obey and honor our parents. Their instruction is for our good!
Joseph decided to stick a lego up his nose this last week and immediately regretted it as blood came pouring out. We have told him not to put these things in his mouth, nose, or ears, but he didn't listen. Much worse things will happen in his life if he chooses to ignore our instruction and disobey. Undisciplined people begin as undisciplined children. Many of the drug addicts, alcoholics, and criminals of our day are created by our world's methodology on parenting. If your children want to destroy your future, it all starts with disobeying your parents. Absalom and Amnon, two sons of King David, show us what happens with fathers who refuse to discipline their children, and children refuse to obey their parents. Parents should remind their children of this command and encourage obedience that is without arguing or delaying. We need to train them to obey with the right attitude and heart so that it will be easier for them to do the same thing with all of God's commands. Here are some proverbs that should encourage us to teach them and encourage them to listen.
Proverbs 1:8 (ESV) --- 8 Hear, my son, your father's instruction, and forsake not your mother's teaching,
Proverbs 2:1--8 (ESV) --- 1 My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, 2 making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; 3 yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, 4 if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, 5 then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. 6 For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding; 7 he stores up sound wisdom for the upright; he is a shield to those who walk in integrity, 8 guarding the paths of justice and watching over the way of his saints.
Proverbs 3:1--2 (ESV) --- 1 My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments, 2 for length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you.
Proverbs 4:1--13 (ESV) --- 1 Hear, O sons, a father's instruction, and be attentive, that you may gain insight, 2 for I give you good precepts; do not forsake my teaching. 3 When I was a son with my father, tender, the only one in the sight of my mother, 4 he taught me and said to me, "Let your heart hold fast my words; keep my commandments, and live. 5 Get wisdom; get insight; do not forget, and do not turn away from the words of my mouth. 6 Do not forsake her, and she will keep you; love her, and she will guard you. 7 The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom, and whatever you get, get insight. 8 Prize her highly, and she will exalt you; she will honor you if you embrace her. 9 She will place on your head a graceful garland; she will bestow on you a beautiful crown." 10 Hear, my son, and accept my words, that the years of your life may be many. 11 I have taught you the way of wisdom; I have led you in the paths of uprightness. 12 When you walk, your step will not be hampered, and if you run, you will not stumble. 13 Keep hold of instruction; do not let go; guard her, for she is your life.
Proverbs 7:1--5 (ESV) --- 1 My son, keep my words and treasure up my commandments with you; 2 keep my commandments and live; keep my teaching as the apple of your eye; 3 bind them on your fingers; write them on the tablet of your heart. 4 Say to wisdom, "You are my sister," and call insight your intimate friend, 5 to keep you from the forbidden woman, from the adulteress with her smooth words.
Proverbs 8:32--36 (ESV) --- 32 "And now, O sons, listen to me: blessed are those who keep my ways. 33 Hear instruction and be wise, and do not neglect it. 34 Blessed is the one who listens to me, watching daily at my gates, waiting beside my doors. 35 For whoever finds me finds life and obtains favor from the Lord, 36 but he who fails to find me injures himself; all who hate me love death."
Proverbs 13:1 (ESV) --- 1 A wise son hears his father's instruction, but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke.
Proverbs 15:5 (ESV) --- 5 A fool despises his father's instruction, but whoever heeds reproof is prudent.
Proverbs 30:11--17 (ESV) --- 11 There are those who curse their fathers and do not bless their mothers. 12 There are those who are clean in their own eyes but are not washed of their filth. 13 There are those---how lofty are their eyes, how high their eyelids lift! 14 There are those whose teeth are swords, whose fangs are knives, to devour the poor from off the earth, the needy from among mankind. 15 The leech has two daughters: Give and Give. Three things are never satisfied; four never say, "Enough": 16 Sheol, the barren womb, the land never satisfied with water, and the fire that never says, "Enough." 17 The eye that mocks a father and scorns to obey a mother will be picked out by the ravens of the valley and eaten by the vultures.
God's Desire For Parents
Ephesians 6:4 (ESV) --- 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Second, I want us to notice the brief command to parents. Specifically, notice that the command is to Fathers. Fathers are the head of the house. They are ultimately responsible for what happens with the children. Children are looking for a spiritual leader to guide them down the path they should go, and God has a special message for the fathers. This doesn't exclude mothers. Mothers are submitting to the methodology given by the fathers, so this instruction is primarily for fathers. The words are brief but full of rich instruction. It is the father's responsibility to teach their children to obey and honor them. That's not easy, but it is God's command to you.
As a father, I know that children struggle to obey all the time, just like I struggle to be the husband God wants me to be, and just like my wife struggles to be what God wants her to be. I struggle to sacrifice myself, and she sometimes struggles to submit. We are all very self-focused, and we are easily tempted to disobey and dishonor our heavenly father. We don't value his commands as highly as we value ourselves. But it is our responsibility to train our children to be better at this than we are. We need to "bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."
Before he tells us that, though, he tells us not to "provoke our children to anger." That's an interesting idea. As I was studying this, I wanted to know what that means. First, I noticed that this is contrasted with the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Paul is saying that the tendency will be to provoke our children to anger, but the discipline and instruction of the Lord doesn't do that.
How Do We Provoke Our Children To Anger?
Some think that any negative discipline will provoke children to anger. That's not true. God gives negative discipline, and he does it for our good. If his discipline provokes us to anger, we have the wrong heart and the wrong understanding about what he is doing and why he is doing it. So the parent should consider what kind of training will affect that heart and help the child overcome his problem. Sometimes children may need more negative punishment to help with that, not less. Sometimes, the child is frustrated because he doesn't understand why he is being punished. But other times, the child has not been punished consistently enough to cope with the fact that they cannot get their way. This is a fundamental principle to instill in children at an early age. We don't get everything we want in life, and it doesn't help us become terrorists when things don't go our way. If they don't learn to accept the loss and accept negative consequences for their actions, they will be angry all the time. So we could say that refusing to use negative discipline will provoke children to anger and many other forms of foolishness. We have plenty of passages that lead us to believe this is true.
Proverbs 19:18 (ESV) --- 18 Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death.
Proverbs 22:15 (ESV) --- 15 Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.
Proverbs 23:13 (ESV) --- 13 Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die.
Proverbs 29:15 (ESV) --- 15 The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
Now, let's consider all the ways we can prevent our children from being angry aside from teaching them to cope with the discouragements of life.
1. Parents prevent their children from being angry by loving them. If we fail to show our children love and affection, they will give up. Love and attention are owed to our children. If we neglect them or act like they are an intrusion on our lives, we will provoke them to anger, depression, and they will not listen to us. We should not want to farm out our children for other people to raise and train. They are our responsibility. We must be willing to sacrifice our time to make sure that they know we care about them. God wants them to feel his love through us.
But some things are mistaken as love in our society. It's not loving to spoil our child. That creates self-indulgent adults. It's not loving to create a dependence on the parent instead of teaching them independence and preparing them to be on their own. It's not loving to prevent them from suffering consequences when they rebel. Finally, it's not loving to show favoritism.
2. Parents prevent their children from being angry by encouraging them. Children fail a lot. It's easy for them to get discouraged when they don't understand what they are doing wrong or how to do things right. We must be careful not to lose patience with them, talk down to them, ridicule them, or compare them to their siblings in a disrespectful way. Please don't make them out to be greater than they are, but help them see the light at the end of the tunnel. There is always hope for them to grow out of their immature foolishness.
3. Parents also prevent their children from being angry by forgiving them. It's good to let a child experience consequences for their rebellion, but children will act childish. They don't understand the value of things, and they make mistakes. We have to love our child more than we love our stuff. Sometimes, we have to let go of the stuff they break and forgive them to show them we love them more. We must never hold a grudge when they are genuinely sorry for what they have done. That is the kind of heart we want to see and forgive.
How Do We Discipline and Instruct Our Children?
God wants us to love our children enough to train them in the way they should go. Ephesians 6:4 says, "Bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." Discipline means training people to obey rules. That training should include positive and negative discipline. The child should experience consequences for disobedience. They need to know that if I hit my sibling, I will feel pain from my father. They need to know that disrespecting and disobeying my mother and father hurts because disobeying God hurts. People think they are scarring their children by giving them any negative discipline, but the punishment that fits the crime prevents their destruction. Of course, we also want that to be joined positive discipline. When they grow up, they will say, "They loved me and they spanked me."
Positive discipline is rewarding good behavior. Our children should feel encouraged and motivated to do good. So many parents today shower gifts on mean and hateful children. Why not take away the gifts from mean children and shower the gifts when they act like they are supposed to. We can take away their devices as a form of negative discipline and give them devices as a form of positive discipline. Every privilege should be seen as a training tool. A dessert is a training tool. Movie night is a training tool. Video games are a training tool. They get them when they listen and lose them when they disobey.
I would also like to point out that our world tells us to pump our kids full of self-esteem. That comes from the belief that pride is a good thing. Kids don't need to think they are smarter than they are. They don't need to believe that they are entitled to everything. They need to understand the truth. This points to the "Instruction of the Lord." God has instructed us in our lives, and our goal should be to pass that instruction on to our children. If you want to know what to teach your children, here is a summary that I mostly stole from John MacArthur, but I pretty much have been doing this myself.
Teach them about God's holiness. They need to fear God and understand that he never does anything wrong. He is completely perfect, and no one can stand before him or meet up to his righteousness.
Teach them that they are wrong. Children need to learn what we already know. They are not perfect. This is the opposite of building their self-esteem. I don't say this so that parents will beat their children down verbally, but parents need to be honest about their children's failures. We have to speak the truth in love. They need to know this because God hates sin, and once they reach the age of accountability, they need to feel the weight of their sin. We don't want them justifying themselves or overlooking their mistakes. We want to train them to see themselves clearly.
Teach them that we all need grace. Everyone is guilty of doing wrong. Mommy and daddy made the same mistakes that they did when they were little. We made other mistakes as well, and we can't fix a mistake by saying sorry. But that's a starting place to find forgiveness. Also, it's excellent to help your children understand that God knew we couldn't fix our mistakes at an early age, so he came down to earth to help us find forgiveness. I can't overstate the greatness of this act.
Finally, show them righteousness and the rewards of it. We want them to see that we don't do what is right because we have to. Now that we know God, we love God, and we want to do his commands. We believe that they are good for us and that God will deliver his promise of eternal life to us. We also believe that God will punish evil.
What's The Problem?
The world is actively teaching children and parents to disobey God's word. They want children to be demanding and act like adults. They want their parents to be submissive and act like children. This world plays off of our selfishness and tempts us to let the world raise our children. Please don't fall for it. Don't let the world make you feel bad for following God's laws and helping your child find a good life.
What's The Solution?
God's word must overrule society. Our love for God must overrule our love for praise from men. Our love for our children must overrule our love for this world.
Conclusion
We have many different types of influences in our lives telling us to walk down different paths. The world is a tremendous influence now that mass media is in everyone's pocket. But Christians are called to have one influence over all others. God's word is supposed to be our lamp in the darkness. The world has conditioned us to believe obeying our parents is wrong and conditioned us to believe that disciplining our child is wrong. But we are taught that children must obey and honor their parents, and parents must love and discipline their children. If we want children who listen to and obey the word of God, we must lead by example. I hate spanking my child, but I love obeying God.
This is God's plan for submission in the family. Children obey and honor their parents, submitting their will to their parent's will. Parents submit their lives to loving, training, and disciplining their children as God does for us. We must constantly teach and train our children. This is our most crucial evangelism work and our most important opportunity in life.