Faith of Fathers (Ephesians 6:4)
Imagine a world and a society where families are thriving. Children are brought up with a sense of identity and purpose, ready to play a valuable role in the kingdom. Imagine a place where genuine love is the foundation of every home, and each generation grows stronger than the last.
This may seem impossible, but fathers hold the key to creating this world for our children. The gift of fatherhood can be one of the greatest joys in our lives, but we must view it the right way. It's not a burden but a privilege and a man's most significant responsibility. Yesterday marked my ninth anniversary of being a father, and I see it as one of the most important works I could ever be involved in and one of the greatest joys in life.
The World's View
So, it is surprising that fathers' importance is often underestimated and undervalued in our day. Fathers are often depicted as disengaged, incompetent, and secondary caregivers in TV shows, movies, and advertisements. They are given very negative stereotypes, and their importance is often marginalized. This makes it difficult for men to be taken seriously as leaders in our homes.
An example is the TV show The Simpsons, where Homer, the father, says, "Kids, you tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."
In our families, these stereotypes conflict with the responsibilities and expectations placed on fathers. The world wants them to fulfill the role of financial provider, working long hours at a challenging job that he does not enjoy, and the money is used more for keeping up with the Joneses than a real need. They are expected to do this without receiving any appreciation or respect. So many fathers don't care about their role or responsibility.
As men, we are never taught that being masculine is good. Many don't even know what being masculine means. It's distorted to where one is only masculine if they are brutal and angry, which isn't good. But masculinity means having a combination of courage and sensitivity. Consider Jesus, who was willing to weep with those who lost someone they loved. Then, he stood against and confronted the people who would eventually crucify him. I don't think it's wrong to say that men are under attack from every angle.
God's View
But God has a different perspective on the role of fathers. He places men at the head of the family, giving them the responsibility of leading the family in righteousness and love. Boys and girls need a godly example and leadership to grow and develop to their fullest potential. They deserve respect and honor for the excellent job they do. In some ways, their success is tied to their father's ability to lead them. If he fails or is absent, there will be catastrophic results.
We first learn about the first children, Cane and Able. Adam is their father, and we aren't told much about his leadership except that he was passive in the garden as she ate of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. He didn't stop her. Instead, he went along with her. Looking at the children, we see Able seems to have a good heart, but Cane kills him. What's that about?
Later, we learn about Isaac showing favoritism, leading to a similar hatred between Esau and Jacob. Jacob's sons have the same issue. They become highly disruptive to the family, once again desiring to kill their brother, but they resort to selling him into slavery.
Eventually, we learn about the sons of Eli corrupting the role of the priesthood and Eli rebuking them in 1 Samuel 2:22-34. Ultimately, God promises that the two sons will die on the same day and the priesthood will not continue down Eli's lineage.
But the most prominent example of failed fatherhood is David, who set a terrible example of adultery and murder, which led to his son raping his daughter and another son murdering his brother. Their faith and faithfulness in David couldn't make up for the mistakes he made in the eyes of his children. They appear to be his harshest critics, living in complete rebellion of God.
God shows us that when fathers fail, things go tragically wrong. The OT is riddled with situations where good men raise rebellious children. But now and then, we also see evil men raise godly children, so it's hard to conclude that it's always the father's fault. However, the evidence leads us to believe that having godly fathers gives children the best chance to become what God wants them to be.
The Role of Godly Fathers
So what does God want fathers to do, and how does he want them to raise their children? First and foremost, he wants fathers to be godly examples. He wants them to have genuine faith and love for God. Children need to see faith being lived out by their fathers. Kids are hypocritical detectors and will point out when we are driving faster than the speed limit or anything we do contradictory to what we say. God desires that fathers and mothers love God and respect his word. None of us will be perfect, but we must put forth effort.
The role of godly fathers doesn't end with living their faith; God also wants them to teach God's word to their children.
Ephesians 6:4 (ESV) — 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Notice something interesting in this text. He says not to provoke your children to anger. What does that mean? Is he saying don't do anything that will make your children angry? That can't be it. If that were the case, the tail would wag the dog. Children make horrible leaders. Plus, it's impossible to make them happy in the toddler stage. They often become upset because we won't let them do something that will kill them!
This text tells us that we can create a disposition of resentment and anger deep down in our children. That's what we want to avoid. Notice that fathers are called out for this. We have the power to create bitterness and anger in the hearts of our children. But how do we do that? Notice what Paul says, "Bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." We create resentment and anger when we fail to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Absent fathers especially create angry children. God wants us to be present, and he wants us to help prepare them for life. Let's camp in this text for a moment and break this down.
"Bring Them Up"
First, Paul says, "Bring them up." Another way this is translated is to "raise them up." It is the Father's role to lift a child out of childhood. Our goal is not to raise 28-year-old children. We are called to bring them out of dependence and into a state of independence. We should be preparing our children not to need us anymore. That's one of the most complex parts of parenting. We have to let go and let them make their own mistakes. Some parents hold their children so tightly that they hold them down instead of raising them. They will never reach their fullest potential with us hanging on to them. So God wants us to (gradually) grant them independence and freedom to live independently and make their own mistakes.
Two Words
The next part of this verse is the core instruction to prevent anger and resentment in our children. But do we understand it? He says, "Bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." Your version may say, "Nurture and admonition." What do these two words mean? How do we bring them up in these things?
Discipline
One of these words indicates correction and consistent consequences/rewards. They point us to the need for truth in the child's life. Children need a firm hand to convince them to follow and avoid what is wrong. They don't know what to do without correction and training. When they want something they can't have, we must consistently tell them, "No, no." If they defiantly grab it, we must consistently slap their little hands. It's how they learn. Refusing to give them this kind of consistent correction only frustrates and angers them. They test the boundaries to make sense of the world. They wonder, "Can I do this or not?" They trust us to stop them.
Fathers, it's your job to make this a part of your parenting. There must be consistent consequences for disrespecting Mom, lying, hurting others, or defiant rebellion. It's your job to demonstrate that we don't do that in this family. If you do punish them consistently, they will love you for it. I tell my children that I am training them so that they can have the best possible life. I don't want them to grow up without experiencing consequences for doing what's wrong. That will lead them to a miserable life.
Instruction
The second word indicates counseling, reasoning, listening to, and persuading. This points us to the child's need for love. It's not enough to give the child a bunch of rules. If we do that, we forget that he or she is human. If we only discipline them, they could still become bitter and angry because they don't understand why they are doing it. As soon as they leave the home, they will abandon the rules.
We have to talk to our children and explain why we do what we do. As a father of both girls and boys, let me tell you that girls can take a lot more of this than boys. With boys, experience is more impactful. But words still need to be spoken, and we need to do a lot of listening for both. At bedtime, children seem especially interested in pouring their hearts out. This helps them avoid going to bed.
Fathers, your job is not just to pay the bills and spank the children. We are called to be sensitive to the hearts of our children. We shepherd their hearts by listening carefully and providing some guidance or support. In some cases, no guidance is needed. We can just be quiet and supportive.
But there is also danger in too much counsel. Perhaps you are like me and don't mind the talking, but you hate the discipline. If we only talk and refuse to discipline, we can give them the impression that they must understand before they obey. That will also leave them frustrated. So, there needs to be a balance of instruction and discipline to avoid this anger and resentment inside them. As time marches on, they should need less and less discipline and less (but more potent) instruction. We must mature and grow to help them and explain what they need to know. Pray for wisdom.
Of the Lord
The last phrase I want us to look at before we close is the words "of the Lord." This means that we study and understand God's word and bring them up the way he would. In Deuteronomy 6, Moses tells the Israelites to always talk about God's word. Without God's wisdom, we don't want to fill them with man's wisdom and help them succeed. That needs our emphasis when traveling on the way, sitting in our home, before bed, after we wake up, and all the time God's word needs to be before us. We aren't here for ourselves. We are here to train them in God's way so that they stand the best chance of inheriting eternal life.
Fathers tell them the stories of the Bible. My kids eat up storytime. I don't read them the Bible. I speak it. We will read it together as they age, and I'll teach them how to study. For now, I want to teach them how gracious and wonderful God is and how holy, righteous, and just he is. That's what those Old Testament stories are there for. Walk them through those stories together as soon as they can listen to stories. Create a desire to read the word and see it for themselves.
Pitfalls
I want to give you a series of pitfalls I have found while studying this week. I'm not an expert on these things, but I'm trying to learn as much as possible. These are things I've experienced as well. I hope that you can avoid them.
Don't refuse to discipline your children to get their approval. I focus on the long game. They will approve of me when they become adults if I train them in the way they should go, and I live out my faith as an example.
Don't refuse to discipline your children to get the approval of others. Correcting your children in public is often seen as shameful, but we must find ways to do it. If your child starts acting defiantly and rebellious, don't give them a toy. Take them out of that public situation and punish them. Then, tell them what will happen before they enter those situations, and follow through on what you say.
Don't overly discipline your children while seeking to make them perfect. We have to accept the fact that these are children. They need the same mercy and grace that we need. Their imperfection is not necessarily a reflection on you, just like our imperfection is not a reflection on God. They will embarrass us, and we will say, "What were you thinking?" It's okay.
Don't push them up too soon. I can see in myself a desire to rush our kids along. It's so nice when they start going potty by themselves and bathing themselves. It's freeing. But, as fathers, we must continually sacrifice and be there for them as they grow. They will get frustrated if they are treated like adults when they aren't adults yet. Please don't treat them like adults when they aren't.
Conversely, please don't hold on to them to make yourself feel useful. They need to fly. Take the time to train them for that, and accept it when they do. Let go, and let them make mistakes and failures.
Trained Children Bring Joy
All of this doesn't sound easy and like a lot of work because it is. But if we are willing to bring a soul into this world, we must train it. The sad part is that we are not fully trained or equipped to train our children. But God promises us great joy if we submit our lives to learning and teaching his will to our children.
Proverbs 23:24 (ESV) — 24 The father of the righteous will greatly rejoice; he who fathers a wise son will be glad in him.
Proverbs 10:1 (ESV) — 1 The proverbs of Solomon. A wise son makes a glad father, but a foolish son is a sorrow to his mother.
Psalm 127:3–5 (ESV) — 3 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. 4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. 5 Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.
Psalm 128:1–4 (ESV) — 1 Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord, who walks in his ways! 2 You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands; you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you. 3 Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table. 4 Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord.
Godliness and joy are joined together. The more wise and obedient our children are, the more joy they bring us. They are a blessing from the Lord and our most extraordinary evangelistic work.
Conclusion
Fatherhood is a joy and a pleasure, but it's a lot of work. If we fail to do it, the world will grow darker, but if we devote ourselves to raising children, we move society in the right direction. Fathers play an active role in the lives of their children. Mothers support fathers in that effort. Don't work against them. Encourage them and help them see when they are overly gracious or harsh. Help them study, understand the will of God, and live it so that the children will follow. Also, mothers, we will discuss you next week for Mother's Day. But please don't fall into the trap of disrespecting and looking down on your husband. We need godly fathers to be respected and admired by their children. Wives set the example in that.